


From me to you

by Louissimon



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23799859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louissimon/pseuds/Louissimon
Summary: It has been a couple of months now since Steven left and Jasper stayed. For a long time now she had been trying to figure out what to do, to find something worth doing with herself, but it hasn't been going so great. She is still as lost as that day her Diamond told her to find something better to do with her life. But she didn't know what that was. She tried to fit in, unsuccessfully. she had just enough and is unsure if any of little homeschool could be useful for her...
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	1. No one left to fight

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a contest on the discord server of the awesome artist lookslikevespa. I highly suggest looking up her art on instagram and twitter. The prompt was change.

She hated everything about this. She hated how every gem was sitting mishmash without any order, eyes closed with those dumb smiles. She hated the silence that letted her hear all the annoying sounds of organic life around them. She hated how everyone was treating the fusion and all of her words like some kind of grand authority. She could not think about anything else, filled with contempt at this ridiculous practice.

The session ended with Garnet clapping her hands and bringing everyone's attention to her. " Alright everyone, I hope you were able to find your center. I know it can be hard to empty our mind of all superfluous things, that's why trying to find some place where you can really be at ease will help you. With time and practice, it will become easier." She couldn't be sure of it because of her visor, but Jasper felt like she was looking directly at her when saying that last part. " Before I let you all go, I would just want to ask from you to try this exercise alone and tell me what sound you can hear inside yourself when we see each other tomorrow. See you all then" jasper was the first one to get up and leave the meadow in direction of little homeworld. Even after months of doing this, she still did not get the point. What made things worse was hearing all the other ones talk about how those useless classes helped them be at peace.

This wasn't the only class Jasper had been having difficulty with since coming here. Whether it was the pearl's instruction on fitting in with human society (Why would anyone want to fit with such a pathetic species?), the bismuth teaching on forging and construction (If she liked it so much why did she yell at her every time Jasper walked through the walls? If it wasn't so weak it wouldn't be so easy for Jasper to destroy them), the peridot's class on gardening (of course she would find satisfaction in growing such puny things. She probably saw herself in it. Thinking she could ever grow out of what she is. what could she possibly see in her-)

Jasper immediately gave a headbutt to the nearest solid construct. This led to a wall being torn down and frightened gems around. She looked around, seeing disapproving faces everywhere. She didn't mind those. Why should she care what they all thought of her? But when she saw the face of that runt, filled with worry, she could not take it and resumed walking to her destination at a quicker pace. She did not understand why, but seeing that amethyst filled her with unease and whenever she showed that kind of sympathy, it transformed that unease in anger. She could not understand why exactly, and she hated that such a weak quartz had that kind of effect on her. The only other gem that ever brought up feelings-

As she was about to destroy another property, Bismuth stopped her and started to scold her for what she just did and was about to do again. Jasper barely paid attention to it and the class that ensued about forging some thing or other. She couldn't stop thinking about how all of it seemed useless. Her Diamond told her to find something better to do with her life. Since he spent so much time caring for this place, she thought she might be able to find something of value here. She even stayed here when he left, despite the fact that she desperately wanted to follow him. Now, after all these months of trying to learn useless things, she was far away from her Diamond and still didn't find anything worthy of doing. Why was it so hard? What was she doing wrong?

After that waste of time ended, Jasper went out. The sun was starting to set, which meant that she would be going to her and her class next. She could sense her entire being tensing at the thought. Lapis Lazuli. She had enrolled in her class, something about meep morp. She knew that the blue gem was greatly uncomfortable with her presence. It was easy to see, the way she almost never looked at her and tried to keep their conversation to a strict minimum. Before going to the class, the warrior quartz went toward the edge of the town. When coming in this morning, she had left a package at the side of a wall. The assignment Lapis had given them last time. She hoped that it would maybe awaken something in her like it did in Jasper.

The gems came into the classroom with all kinds of things. Jasper looked at them and tried to understand the beauty in them, but all she saw was waste of good material. She glanced at Lapis, which was talking with someone. Lapis caught that glance and positioned herself to be able to keep talking to the other gem while turning her back to Jasper. This led to the lonely Quartz being able to see the gem on her back. She could not stop herself from staring at it. It seemed so... appealing. A perfect blue, right between the shoulder blade, exactly where a lapis' wings sprouts. She flustered and turned her head to stop looking at it, but she could not stop thinking about it. Once Lapis was done and everyone was ready, she walked at the center of the room. " Hi everyone, I hoped you had a good week. Last time we saw each other, I asked you to create a meep morp in the image of something that is meaningful to you. Today we will be looking at those and giving constructive feedback. Would anyone want to go first-" Jasper immediately stood up and shouted "Me!"

Lapis was taken aback by this sudden outburst. It was the first time Jasper was so enthusiastic in participating in class. All eyes were on her and her eyes were on Lapis. She seemed uneasy about this, unsure what to say. After a long silence, she stretched a smile and said "Sure Jasper. Please come over here and show what you made to everyone."

She picked up the box she was carrying and walked to the center, her eyes riveted on Lapis. " It's a sculpture I made of someone very important to me" She laid the box on the small table. " Ok, well, let's see it I suppose" She opened the box and took out a rough stone statuette, about 2 feet tall. As soon as she saw it, Lapis took a step back in repulsion and brought a hand to her mouth. " What the-what is that!?!"

The effigy Jasper was holding in her hands was very rough. It was a humanoid, with four limbs coming out of the abdomen and 2 more from the torso, some grass on the head that posed as hair and plastic wings on the back. It was very crudely painted bright green with a face so roughly drawn that one could not tell if it was happy or trying to be menacing.

"This is Malachite. It was the gem that came from our fu-" Lapis quickly gestured her hand to stop Jasper from talking. " I know what... IT is Jasper. Why did you make this!? Why did you bring that here!?!"

Jasper frowned at the question and the tone of disgust behind it. " YOU told us to make some, some crap that represented something that meant something to us! That is exactly what I did!" Jasper face went down, looking pitiful. "doesn't it mean anything to you?"

"All it means to me is torture and painful memories that I would rather forget Jasper! Malachite was a mistake!" She threw the words right at Jasper, and they struck even more than she hoped to. " Don't say that. She was more than we could ever hope to be. Sure there were bad parts, but, we could fly. We could do so much as her. We will never be able to achieve as much as what we could as Malachite. We... I need to be her again, to feel, to feel all those things again."

Lapis expression mellowed down a bit. " Jasper... Malachite was not good. She was just pain. The pain that we felt and that we wanted to inflict on each other. Things are different now. I'm different. I don't feel that pain anymore, and I don't want to inflict pain on you either." Jasper Perked up "Exactly! Things are different now! We're not the same we were back then, we changed! It won't be about pain but about what we can do and are! It will be different, Malachite will be different!" Lapis remained silent for a moment, then finally said " I've changed. Have you?"

Jasper was taken aback by the question. Of course she had changed. She wasn't hurting anyone, she was trying to mingle with everyone, she was listening to Steven. How could she not see that?

"Listen, Jasper, I think it would be better if you left. No matter how you see it, this is a bad idea and we cannot do this" Lapis was going to take the statuette, but for a split second she stopped, disgust showing in her face. Jasper caught it and could not take it anymore. " Is it because of her!? What does she bring you that I cannot?! How could she make you feel anything close to what we felt together?!" Lapis jumped " Wha- who are you talking about?!" " You know who I mean. That pathetic Peridot who only spends her time growing things, as if her precious organic plants could ever compare to the gems she used to help grow."

Lapis stopped trying to be patient with Jasper " What I have with peri is exactly what I want. What she does is help create and nurture life instead of taking it. She understands me and does everything she can for me, because she actually cares about me, and I care about her! I don't need her to be anything more than what she is! Plus, what we are to each other has nothing to do with what we are to each other Jasper. Now leave before I make you."

Jasper bit her lips, then said what she had been thinking about for a long time. "did you fuse?" "What?" "Did you fuse together? I'm sure you haven't. How can what you have with her be better if you never fused with her!? She doesn't know you like I do. You don't know her like you know me!"

Water started coming out of different vase all around the room, all coming toward them. Lapis was surrounded by it, not even looking at Jasper anymore. "Leave. It's my final warning."

Jasper hesitated for a second, then she threw the Malachite with all her might at the ground. It shattered everywhere. She finally noticed all the other gems that had been looking at the scene. She looked back one more time towards Lapis, But she was still looking at the ground, the water almost boiling with her rage. Jasper left without paying attention to anything else but the exit.

\---

She had no idea what she was doing. She was just walking forward, one step at a time. She didn't even know where she was going. Just forward. She couldn't go back and she didn't felt like going to her cavern in the forest. She wasn't actually feeling much of anything right now.

She wasn't prepared for what just happened. She had no idea how Lapis would react, but she never thought that it would be like this. She was so sure that deep down her, Malachite still meant something more, still had value, that she would at least consider it. Jasper was certain that, that day on that boat all those years ago, some part of Lazuli really did want to fuse back into Malachite. But today, all the disgust, all the rejection. That part of her really was gone. She really did change.

"So what about me?" She was looking at the night sky while going forward. The stars looked diamond shaped to her. The road behind was closed and the road forward seemed as empty as her. She knew there was no point, but she was so used to just going onward, never stopping until the deed was done, that she just went on automatically.

As she crossed a hill, she saw Amethyst sitting under a tree. When she saw Jasper approaching, she immediately stood up. Jasper was too numb to feel anything, so she just stopped looking at her and continued to go forward.

"Hey sis"

Jasper ignored her. As she continued to walk, her fellow quartz started walking with her.

" I heard about what happened. Looks like you screwed up huh?" She only had enough strength to grunt in response. She never felt so drained. "Sorry, that was a dumb question. I just wanted to see how you were doing. So, uh, how are you doing?"

Silence. "Bad."

"Yeah, I figured. I wanted to tell you that, huh, I'm there for you. If you need anything. Like talking." "I don't need to talk." "I'mmm pretty sure you do." "Oh? How would you know what I need?" " Cause we're the same."

Jasper suddenly stop and turned to look at her. She was about to tell her that they were nothing alike, a reflex born from superiority, built up over millennia, but as she looked at Amethyst, who only showed empathy on her face, who lead her life happily, who fused and had people around her, she just didn't see the point anymore. There just was no fight left in her.

She sighed heavily and dropped on the ground. This caused small tremors that surprise Amethyst "Woh, hey, ok. We're sitting on the ground now. Ok, no problem, I can do that."

As she sat next to Jasper, she looked at her face to gauge if she was getting too close. All she saw was that her face was empty, looking at nothing.

They sat like this for a while, too long for Amethyst. " So, hey, you know. We all make mistakes, errors, goofs. But you can, you can always do better! Yeah, cause tomorrow is a brand new day in which there is, you know, love and life and stuff!" She saw that this had no effect. She sighed and say under her breath "Man, Steven would be so much better at this"

"He doesn't want me around anyway. It's not like I can expect much better. It's not like I deserved it."She buried her face in her arms. "What the heck you talking about?" "When he left, he said that he didn't need me. My own Diamond. I know it's true. That doesn't change the fact that there is no place for me anywhere."

Amethyst was starting to grasp what Jasper had been dealing with all this time. "Hey, that's not true. It's not that he doesn't want you around. If anything, it's the opposite." Her sister quartz scoffed at that. She was hoping not having to go there, but she knew that to reach her, she would have to really open up to her. "You know that's not true. When everyone else gave up on you, he still wanted to help you, to bring you in. To be honest, even I was kind of done with you-" "What a surprise."

Amethyst scowled " Dude, it's not like you gave it much of a chance. I tried so hard for so long to get to you, to help you. At some point, I just realized you didn't want help. What else was I supposed to do." Jasper slumped a little bit more. Amethyst was scared to lose her, so she talked more softly. " But I can see it's not true anymore! I was super excited when you wanted to join little homeschool! But... As time went by, I saw that you, you weren't able to let go of the past. Every day, when you came in with that angry look on your face, when you kept arguing with P. or bismuth or peri, it just made me sad. You were still that angry gem that wanted to pick a fight with anyone and everyone. But there's no one left to fight Jas."

She had heard those words before. Back then, she still had her barriers set up so it didn't mean anything to her. But after what happened with Steven and Lapis and everyone else, She could feel something fierce inside of her swirl.

Amethyst was so lost in her thought that she wasn't really paying attention to her anymore" And when you keep looking for a fight when there's no one, you only end up fighting yourself. And that's one of the most painful thing in the world, trust me, I know a whole lot about that."

That was the last straw. She couldn't take it anymore. She raised her head, looked directly at Amethyst...

And the small quartz finally noticed that Jasper was crying her eyes out.

There was too much going on inside her. She needed to let it out some way. She looked to the sky and bellowed like she never did before. Her cry filled the night. Her voice slowly went down, until it just became an incessant sob.

"Ok, so we're crying now. No probs! Go ahead! As much as you need! That's always better that terrorizing everything with ears in a 5 mile radius."

What was coming out of Jasper was years of frustration, of loneliness, of resentment and all those other feelings she locked deep inside of her, only letting them out when they would help her win a fight. But this, she realized, was one of the most powerful things she had ever done. As she was uncontrollably cried, she had never felt something so strong happen in her.

Amethyst just let Jasper vent it all out. She shuffled closer to her and shape shifted her arm around her. Jasper just let her do it, not able to control anything right now, either around her or inside her.

After some time, the crying died down and was limited to some sniffles. "What else am I supposed to do?"

Amethyst was resting her head on her sister's arm, eyes closed. "Mmh?" " I said, what else am I supposed to do? Even since I bursted out of the rock in my kindergarten, I was thrown into a war and told to fight the enemies of the gem empire. And I was good at it. So they threw me in another fight. And when I was done with that one, I was thrown into another one. And then another, and another, and so on and so forth."

Amethyst wasn't sure how to make her understand. "Jasper.. you-" "And you wanna know the worst part? I, I liked it. It was my purpose, I was one of the best for it and I liked it. I liked the feeling of fulfilling my purpose, of being considered so highly. I came off of this world better than it, because I was good at winning. But now, here I am, back on earth, crying like one of these human kids and probably one of the most hated gem"

"Well, I wouldn't go that far, that honor probably goes to bluebird." "Who?" "It doesn't matter, what matter is that you're not as hated as you think! I'm here, and Steven really did want you here! He was going through some pretty tough stuff at the time, but I know that he was as excited as I was when you started coming here! You just need to open up, to let it go. Everyone here wants to get to know you, to give you a chance. Well, almost everyon- Anyway! We all want to help you!"

"Help me do what!? All this time, and I still never figured out what to do with my sorry gem." "That's what we're here for Jas, to help you figure it ou-" "But it's not helping! Every day I come in here it feels like all you're telling me is to do whatever I want, but all I've ever wanted was to fight! How-"

"Are you supposed to know what you want to do that is not what you've been doing your entire life?" Both gems looked up to the sky to find the source of that voice. Jasper felt a pulse in her gem when she saw the wings of a Lapis Lazuli, but as she came down, they noticed the gem in her navel, her freckles and pigtails. They quickly realized it was a different lapis. Jasper couldn't help but feel disappointed, and she hated herself for feeling that way.

"Sorry, I was doing my nightly flying, then I heard that big noise from earlier, then I came here and then I couldn't help but overhear what you were talking about. Sorry, I know that's not very polite." She awkwardly pulled her tongue and rubbed the behind of her head. "oooookay, so, what did you wanted?" Amethyst had no idea how to deal with this new gem and Jasper was too flustered to say anything.

"Oh yeah, well, like I said, I overheard part of your conversation, and I totally understand how you feel. Before, I was terraforming, and me and my partner lapis were pretty darn good at it. And then came the news about how pink diamond had came back, except now she was called Steven and Steven had said no more gem empire. We had no idea how to deal with this, so we just, you know, kept going along, business as usual."

She suddenly took a more sober tone " I realize now how wrong that was. Ever since I started coming here, I started appreciating the values of organic life. Teacher Lapis was super helpful too, she helped me open my eyes. Terraforming wasn't making something beautiful, it was taking something that already existed and twisting it to fit our needs. But now I'm way better! I create all sorts of stuff, and not to toot my own horn, but I think they're pretty neat!"

She seemed really proud of herself, but both Jasper and Amethyst had no idea what she was going on about. "So?" "Oh yeah. So like I said, I had no idea how wrong all that stuff was before Steven universe and teacher lapis came to our planet. At first I was super confused 'cause, they told us we could do whatever we wanted but that we couldn't do what we wanted. Then they started dancing and singing, and I wasn't sure about it, but my partner started laughing it off so I did too. Then we fought and after beating us we told them we wouldn't terraform anymore and they left. But as they left, I couldn't stop thinking about all the fun stuff they showed us. And since we couldn't terraform anymore, I figured I would follow them and learn about that stuff. and here I am!"

Jasper was starting to get exhausted, from the incredibly chatty gem and also from the fact that having a lapis so close to her made her incredibly uncomfortable. " Is there a reason why you are telling us your whole life story or...?"

" Oh, well, I just thought, you know, you seemed as lost as I was before. It's not like the Diamond were forcing us to do all this stuff, I mean, they were, but also, we liked it. Like you said, we were good at it. And then all of a sudden, they tell you to stop doing it and to do whatever you want. But, what else am I supposed to do? When the announcement first came, I was so lost. It's like they had thrown me in the middle of space and told me to go wherever I want, and when I looked back to ask for a map they were all gone. I had never done anything else in my life and I never wanted to. So when lapis, I mean my partner lapis, told me that we were just going to go on, I was so relieved. Someone had actually taken the time to give me some meaning."

That last part struck Jasper really hard "But, again, now I realize how wrong this is thanks to that intervention from Steven and teacher Lapis. They actually took the time to come see us and show us what else there is to do. I really wish she would have listened and followed me as well." She seemed thoughtful. "A-Anyway! All this rambling to say that, there is other stuff for you to do. It might not be easy to find it, and it might take a really long time, but, you're not alone. There are gems that are there, ready to help you."

Jasper just looked at her dumbfounded. What was this gem? She had never met anyone like this before. Yet, somehow, she couldn't deny the connection that she saw in them. They both were told to never do what they were made to do again, and were incredibly lost. What was the difference between them? How did she ended up being so happy here while Jasper was miserable.

Then she realized, when Steven came to her, she listened. She didn't immediately try to fight him. When people tried to help her, she didn't dig deep into herself and build walls of stubbornness. She shrugged off the bad part of her life and went forward.

As she was contemplating that, Amethyst started talking. "I guess she said it better than me. Well, parts of it anyway. We know you're lost. We know it's hard. We're there for you and we want nothing more than to help you out of this." She looked at her and for the first time since they first fought each other, she seemed to be bigger than Jasper. Like the hand she was giving her to help her up was not out of pity but from someone that will guide you through the fog.

Jasper wiped away the tears on her face, took amethyst hands and stood up. She almost threw Amethyst to the ground and was holding her up before finally letting go of her hand. When she found her balance, she looked up at Jasper. "So...?"

Jasper looked at the ground, and then decided the look up at the sky. She tried to see the stars differently, but they still seemed diamond shaped to her. " So... ok"

"Ok!?!" "Ok" "Ok as you will come back to little homeschool!?!" "Yes." "Awesome!" "Yeah! Time for celebratory dance!" The Lapis then started to dance to some imaginary music. Amethyst laughed and then decided to join her. Jasper tried to stay serious but she couldn't help but smile. She tried to hide it with her hand.

"Naw ah! I saw that!"

\---------

She had more difficulty coming to class this morning than what she had anticipated. She wasn't sure where to go or how to approach anyone. Amethyst had came to her in the morning to make sure that she would hold on what she said and walked with her to the school. She also told her that she would try to spend more time with her to make sure that she doesn't end up lost again and doesn't go back to old, bad habit. She still wasn't sure how to feel about their relationship, but the walk did feel more lively with her.

When they arrive, Amethyst had to quickly leave because she had to go teach a class. At the same time, the Lapis from yesterday flew down to greet her. It was still hard to look at her, even more now under the sunlight. She said she really enjoyed talking to her yesterday and she would like to get to know her more. She had no idea how to respond, so she said sure. As she was flying away, she was wondering which part of Jasper's non existent place in the discussion she found interesting.

She was sitting in Garnet's class, her head repeating all those scenes non stop when Garnet finally came in. " Hello class. Hope you all had a good night rest. I would like to come back to the little exercise I gave you yesterday and see how it was for those that tried."

Before Jasper had realized it, she had walked up to her and was looking at her. "Jasper? did you try to listen to the sound of your inner self?"

Jasper looked up and then away, flustered. "I tried. But I couldn't hear anything other than the insects and birds. And my own thoughts." She was still incredibly frustrated. The truth was that she really had been trying all this time the exercises that they gave her, but it was always futile. She really thought that after the epiphany from yesterday, something had clicked inside of her and that this morning all would be different. But nope. It was still all the same.

Garnet smiled and put her hand on her shoulder. " That's alright. It's great that you tried. The road might be long and full of pitfall, and you might not see the destination yet, but I can guarantee that it's there. And we will be helping you along every step of the way. For now, thank you for giving it another shot."

Garnet then turned and walked to the next student who wanted to talk about their experience. Jasper really didn't like the way Garnet seemed to know everything about what was going on and would happen. She then closed her eyes and stopped that train of thought. She decided to try like yesterday, take down her defences and actually think about what she had just said to her.

Amethyst wasn't lying. They really all wanted to help her find her place. This wasn't some joke or just something they did to make Steven happy with his pet project. Every gem here actually wanted to help her along the way.

She had no idea if she would ever end up finding her new purpose, no, finding what she wanted to do that would mean something to her. All she could do is continue going forward like she always did, except now she finally understood that she did not have to be alone on the road.

She didn't like the idea of asking for help, but she did like the idea of companionship. She would try to fight herself less, so that others would not see her simply as someone to fight. She would try to be more open to herself, so that she could let others in.

Ugh. Her entire being shuddered at the thought of all this mushy crap. This was going to be hard.


	2. Growing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read this story! I'll try to update it at least once per month. This time around I've had the amazing editorial skills of Trystine to help me, so this should be a much better read. Thank you Trystine!

Jasper didn't want to admit it, but she was scared. She would have preferred finding the biggest, meanest thing around and punch it rather than enter the greenhouse. She didn't like feeling this way and she didn't like herself when she felt this way. She had been standing there for a while when Amethyst grabbed her by the arm.

"Come on Jeepers, you said you wanted to make things better. No point stopping now"

Jasper looked down at her with a frown, "What did you just call me?"

Amethyst ignored the question and dragged her forward, "Don't worry, I'll make sure Peridot understands that there won’t be a repeat of what happened and that you'll behave."

Jasper cringed at the idea of having to deal with the small gem, but she didn't stop Amethyst. She really did want to make things better, she just wasn't sure how. So she did something  that she would have thought unfathomable not long ago : She let someone else take the lead.

Before she knew it, they were inside the greenhouse. It was already filled with gems looking at the flowers and plants. She never understood the appeal of those particular earthlings. It was just some useless organic life, one of the worst, even. It did nothing but stick motionlessly out of the soil, and constantly needed water and sun to survive. It had almost no means to fend for itself and always needed protection from predators. Why anyone would waste time and effort caring for something that brought nothing in return was a mystery to Jasper.

Class hadn’t started yet and Peridot was nowhere to be found. Her fellow classmates were merrily chatting. When they noticed her, some started whispering and others feigned not seeing her.

She didn't really care about it, but she knew that this would make things difficult. Now that she had finally figured out a course of action, she realized that the things she did in the past would make things harder with others. When they looked at her, it felt like all they saw was a brute. She knew she couldn't fault them. From their vantage point, that really was all she was. It was frustrating.

As she was brooding, a nasal voice started speaking from behind the shelves.

"Alright class, today we'll continue our lesson from last time"

Peridot stepped out with a giant potted sunflower, which blocked her view.

"For those that have already forgotten, we were discussing the kind of flowers that could be found in the wild, transplanted and brought back home." She put the pot on a table and turned to face everyone while talking, "So now we're going to put that in practice. I'm going to ask you to fo-"

She immediately froze when her gaze fell on Jasper. She remained immobile like a statue for an awkward minute. Amethyst was forcing a smile and waving at her. No one knew what to do or say, stuck exchanging glances. Jasper hated every single second of it.

"What in the stars are  _ you  _ doing here?! What is  _ she  _ doing here !?"

The second question was directed at Amethyst.

"Woah, woah, calm down, Peri. I can explain."

"Explain what!? Why this- Lap- CLOD is still here? Because I highly doubt you can give me any sane and logical explanation!"

"I could if you could give me a chance to! Just chill, Peri, let's go to the back to speak in private. Please, trust me."

"I- gru- mnhf fine! Let's go over to the tools rack. As for you! Don't hurt anyone or break anything!" She growled while pointing angrily at Jasper.

They both disappeared into a corner of the greenhouse surrounded by wheelbarrows, shovels and other tools to work the earth. Even before they had arrived at their destination, harsh whispers could be heard by Peridot’s class. Jasper was stiff like a rock during the whole exchange. She was grinding her jaw so tightly she felt like her gem could crack.

She had never liked this Peridot. Or most Peridots, for that matter. They were too obsessed with their next assignment and lived only by their calculation, Particularly this one. Even when she was assigned to their earth mission, they had a hard time even being in the same room. And with all the things that had happened since then, she had grown resentful of her for being able to let go of her past and find something that fulfilled her while Jasper was stuck at the same place as all these years ago. 

There were also other reasons for that resentment, which also contributed to Peridot's animosity toward her. Jasper didn’t want to think about it though, but she couldn’t help herself, being drawn into it like she was lost in a haze.

Thankfully, she was jolted out of her thoughts by someone abruptly entering her space.

"Jasper! I didn't know you were also in this class!"

The freckled Lapis jumped on her and embraced her muscly arm with both hands. Jasper was really not comfortable with that and tried to shake her off, but she was hanging on more firmly that she would have thought.

"How long have you been participating? Funny that I never saw you here. Although I tend to be super late and miss a lot of each class." She pulled her tongue out maliciously at that, "Professor Peridot always gives me a hard time over it. Speaking of, where is she?"

As she opened her mouth to answer, a scream came from between the racks

"Are you insane!?"

The quartz sighed, "She's over there"

The blue gem looked towards the source of the scream and then at Jasper, smiling but clearly confused.

"Whaaat's going on?"

Jasper really didn't want to have to explain. She figured it would be good practice for interaction, though, and might as well do so with someone who seemed to actually enjoy her presence for some unknown reason.

"I... don't really have a good reputation. I've done bad things. One of those things is fairly recent, too. Amethyst is trying to convince Peridot to give me a chance."

"Oh... well, we've all done bad stuff. That's why this place exists, no? To give gems another chance at a better life?"

"Yeah, exceptt this isn't the first time they give me a chance, and I believe some are tired of trying. Others are just done with me and would rather I leave."

"Oh..."

At a loss for words, she simply reaffirmed her grip on Jasper's arm. The imposing gem heard snickering from her side, and instinctively turned her head. A pearl and another quartz were looking at them. She realized the reason for their amusement as she turned her head and she saw Lapis's face. But not this Lapis.

Jasper immediately shook her off with no hesitation, making sure that she wouldn't be able to keep her grip this time. The sudden violence surprised her and she let go with a yelp. She looked at Jasper, unsure of what to do.

"-I said fine, Amethyst!"

Both small gems were walking with energy, both clearly frustrated with the result of their conversation. Amethyst climbed to sit on a table while Peridot came at the front of the class to resume where she left off.

"Ahem. My apologies, Professor Amethyst here... surprised me with a new element in our class."

"No need to call me professor, you dork. You're the only one going by that name around here."

" _ Anyways, _ Jasper will be joining us, but I have been assured that she would conduct herself. Otherwise, she will not be allowed in Little Homeschool anymore."

Jasper looked at Amethyst with surprise. This was news to her. Amethyst shrugged with a sympathetic look. She realized why this had to be done, and while she understood the reasoning perfectly, it still stung to hear the news from Peridot. She couldn't help but let fear creep into her.

"So, to resume what I was saying, we will be continuing last class' session and looking into the kind of wildlife that we can safely bring into our home."

While Peridot was speaking, Freckles crept ever so slowly closer to Jasper, without getting too close this time. She noticed it but didn't see any point in trying to push her away.

"You're in luck, today will be an exercise on terrain. You're going to form groups of two or three and go into the neighboring forest, bringing with you all the equipment you'll need. You're going to choose a flower or plant you know will survive inside, transplant it and bring it here for me to review. Then, if I approve, you'll bring it with you and take care of it. This will be your project for the remainder of the semester."

As she was talking, groups were already being formed naturally with gems speaking in hushed tones. There was a kind of excitement floating in the air at the idea. A void formed, surrounding Jasper, with only Freckles in it.

"I see that you are all already forming groups, barely listening to me. No matter..."

She noticed Jasper and sighed.

"Now Jasper, I realize that you might have difficulty finding partners, so-"

"I'll do it! I'll team up with her!"

Both Peridot and Jasper turned to look at the enthusiastic gem raising her hand.

"Wha-, oh it's you. I see her majesty has granted us with the honor of her presence. Fine, you two can team up with each other. Everyone, come over here so we can review everything one last time and then pick up everything you'll need."

Everyone started moving toward Peridot. Jasper was still looking at her newfound partner, not sure what to think of this. or of her, for that matter.

"Come on, partner, we're going to need to learn all we can, what with you being new and me being a bad student."

She winked at her and hopped toward the crowd being formed at the center.

_ What was that? What just happened? What is she doing? What am I doing? _

Tired of thinking, she pushed back those thoughts and walked into hearing range to try to register as much as she could about transplanting, which she assumed did not include terraforming. But who knows, she might be pleasantly surprised.

******************

She indeed had been surprised, but definitely not pleasantly. Apparently their assignment would be to be very careful and gentle, handling fragile life and bringing it in to help its continued existence. Those were all anathema to everything Jasper stood for. Or at least, used to stand for, she reminded herself.

Once Peridot was done giving instructions and teasing the gems that had forgotten their lessons, they all headed to pick up their tools. Jasper had no idea what to do. Her partner confidently picked up a huge rake, but as she was heading out Peridot took it out of her hand and gave her a spade instead.

She told them both one more time all they would need to do, but Jasper had a difficult time hearing her over her exasperation. She was so annoyed at the way she treated them. Granted, they mostly had no idea what they were doing, but that wasn't a reason to be so condescending.

Once she was done, they went out and followed the group that was heading toward the forest. Since they were directionless, they just followed the herd without thinking too much about it. At some point, their classmates started to split off in groups of two and three, until finally it was just the two of them walking forward.

"... Sooooooo, how've you been? Since that night in the woods with Ame-"

"Fine.”

She immediately regretted answering, and mourned the blissful silence she knew would not come back for a while.

"Oh! Great! You know, I was worried. I wanted to know how you were feeling, but I wasn't sure if it was such a good idea to come bother you. That's why I was so excited to see you were also in this class! The perfect excuse to hang out and catch up."

Huh. That was... forthcoming.

"You'll see, professor Peridot can be a pain in the butt, but she's usually really nice and helpful. Well, unless someone is annoying her, then she'll start calling everyone a clod and stamp around. It's actually kind of cute. Kind of like this morn....ing."

Jasper only contributed a grunt to the conversation.

"You... wanna talk about what happened?"

"No. It's fine."

"You sure?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Cause if there is one thing that I learned, is that talking about your feelings is the best way to deal with them. I'm sure you-"

"I SAID. I don't. Want. To talk about it."

Intimidated, she took a step back and raised her hands.

"Alright, alright, fine. Jeez, sorry for wanting to help."

They continued walking forward in an awkward silence, both clearly not focusing on their current task.

"... Look, I'm sorry, huh..."

Jasper looked at her hesitantly. She had a blank stare until she understood what Jasper was struggling on.

"Oh! You can call me Lapis."

Jasper cringed with her entire being.

"I'd rather not."

"Huh? Oh, probably ‘cause of teacher Lapis. Duh. You can call me Freckles, then. A lot of people have been calling me that." She raised her finger pointing at her face, " 'Cause of my freckles!"

"O...kay. Freckles. I shouldn't have snapped. It's just I'm dealing with stuff right now and I don't like being pushed on certain subjects. Also in general. So don't push me." Heartbeat of silence, then she said, "Please."

"Oh, okay. Sorry about that. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, so I'll be more careful from now on."

Jasper ruminated on that. She did not know how to process what was happening and how she was feeling about it. Her instinct was telling her to push it down and move on, but she felt like maybe she should, or rather to be honest she wanted to figure out more about this.

"Why do you want me to not be uncomfortable?"

"Huh? What a weird question! Cause I want you to be comfortable, silly"

"Ok but why do you want me to feel comfortable? Or rather, why do you care about how I feel?"

Freckles looked at her in silence, then lowered her head and started fidgeting with her fingers.

"Y'know, it hasn't exactly been easy for me either since I got here. People are nice to me and I try to be nice to them, but it always feels like there is this divide between us. Everyone here, As soon as they heard the news from the Diamonds, they were ecstatic. They rushed over here or to their new life or toward whatever they wanted to do. Me though, I just stood in the same place, content with continuing with what I had been doing since emerging."

They both stopped walking. Jasper looked at her more intently, paying as much attention as she could to understand what she was telling her. She continued to speak while looking at her fingers.

"It feels like everybody got this huge headstart on me and when they look back, they see this weirdo who didn't want to move forward. And I'm not just talking about school and classes and the things we learn here. Although at times, I feel like it will take me centuries to learn some of that stuff."

She had said that last part under her breath.

"It's also, like, I dunno. It's not just the years they had to figure themselves out while I was just thinking about terraforming. It's like, even before all this, they had a plan, something inside of them for what they would do if things changed. Even the gems that came here after me seem to be further ahead than me. I don't know, this all must sound so dumb."

Freckles bit her lip. Jasper wanted to respond but had no idea what to say. She tentatively raised her hand, then let it fall on her side. She opened her mouth, but no sounds came out. Freckles didn't seem to notice, as she let out a small giggle.

"I have a confession to make. Back then, when I told you I was all figured out and you could be too, I kind of talked myself up more than the truth. I’ve gotten better since I got here, but I'm still going forward in the dark. Sometimes it feels like all I'm doing is just play make believe so that I can stay here and be accepted. But whenever they talk about the future and what they want to do, I'm just... I say nothing and nod along, with my head empty, waiting for someone to put something inside it, to tell me what I'm supposed to do. Teacher Lapis said that it will come to me like it did for her, that I just need to be patient, but I'm tired of waiting"

"Heh. It's fine. That you lied I mean. You're still leagues above me, even if you're going forward blind, at least you're advancing. All I've been doing is fighting the same stupid shadows in the same spot."

"Hehe, yeah. To go back to your question. That night I was flying in the sky, like I do all the time. It helps me think, or rather, not think about the bad things and focus on the good things. Then I spotted you and decided to come closer to have a listen. Sorry, I know I shouldn't have. But when I heard you talking about not knowing what to do, about how everyone's trying to help but that it's not actually helping at all, I felt like a voice in my head got out and talked to someone else without me knowing."

That's when she looked up at Jasper, planting her deep blue eyes directly in hers. They were wet with tears but her cheeks were still dry.

"I know it seems out of the blue, but I really do care about you. I felt this connection when you talked. I don't know how to explain it, it's like we've been right next to each other all this time but we never saw the other, blinded by the darkness. I don't know much about you, except that you're big and strong and like to fight and that you're lost. But I know that you're good Jasper. I know that you're better than what the others think. I know that you're not defined by the bad things that you did in the past."

She looked away. She couldn't control the water in her eyes anymore. It went down her face freely, painting it a darker shade of blue. She said the next part in a soft murmur more for herself than anyone else.

"Because if you are, what does that say about me?"

Jasper had never been so conflicted on what to do. When she asked her question, she expected some kind of nice speech about friendship and the power of love and the potential for good in everyone, like the crystal gems constantly bombarded her with. This was the first time anyone had opened up to her like that.

It was the first time... anyone had ever been so honest with her. It felt like she was finally seeing Freckles. It wasn't just that bubbly energetic Lapis Lazuli. That was just a still frame moving around. Now she was seeing the actual gem before her, breathing, sobbing, feeling and thinking.

Jasper hesitantly put her hand on Freckle's shoulder, unsure of the amount of pressure to apply to convey comfort. She gasped and looked up at her.

"Thank you"

"Fo-for wh-what? Having a-an emotional breakdown in front of yo-you?"

"N-no! Just for, you know, telling me all this."

She continued to look at her, expecting more to come, but Jasper remained silent. They stayed like this until Jasper shrugged and grimaced, trying to convey she had no idea what to do now.

Freckles laughed and wiped away her tears.

"Haha, you dope. You're welcome."

After composing herself, she looked back at Jasper.

"I really mean it, you know? I think you can be a good gem Jasper, and I would like to know more about you. I would also like to be your friend."

Jasper felt heat coming to her cheeks. It was strange, feeling this way. Like a victory after a hard won battle, except the rush felt different. It was awkward but even more exhilarating. Except now the feeling was slowly fading away as they stood there silently

Eager to move on, Jasper looked around and remembered what they were doing there in the first place.

"Oh, I guess we should start looking for that plant before it gets dark."

"Oh my stars, the assignment! I had totally forgotten about it! Wait here, it'll be faster if I look for something from the sky."

"But won't-"

Freckles had sprouted wings and took to the sky in the blink of an eye.

"The trees cloud your vision?"

She said, while looking at the hole the blue gem had left in the foliage. She had already gone out of her sight, leaving a bright blue sky to watch.

Jasper sighed and sat on the nearest rock. She figured she might as well wait for her to come back so that they could figure out what to do next. She took that time to replay what just happened in her mind. What Freckles had told her, how Jasper finally saw her for who she was after she showed her sadness to her. 

She realized that, if she wanted people to not see her as a brute, she would need to be as honest as Freckles. She was then struck with vertigo. Could she do it? Could she ever open up to someone like this? To do so, she would need to be introspective, to dig down and look at the ugliest parts of herself. The grimy, angry, violent parts. She didn't want to do it. Was it worth it? Was whatever on the other side worth all this pain and effort, when it wasn't even guaranteed that it would be there? Would she be stuck like this for eternity?

This train of thoughts circled in her head continuously. She was panicking and could feel herself sinking into the rock and the ground. This went on until Freckles came back and landed vigorously in front of her.

"Ok so turns out, the tree blocked my vision and I wasn't able to find anything in the forest, but! After flying for a while I was able to find this small cute green plant over there-"

She finally saw Jasper, curled up and holding her head.

"Huuuh, are you okay, Jasper?"

Seeing her like this helped her focus back on reality, focus back on what has happening now. She stood up and straightened herself, embarassed that she was caught like this.

"Huh, no, yeah, I'm fine. I was just massaging my head."

"Are you-" She stopped herself, closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "Ok. I believe you."

Jasper smiled, "You're learning. Good."

Freckles returned her smile with one much more sly,"I told you I wanted to get to know you and get close to you."

Flustered, Jasper just looked at the nearest tree, suddenly finding it quite fascinating.

"Anyway, like I said, I found this beautiful- you know what? It'll just be faster if I show you. Come on, follow me!"

She grabbed her hand and started running. At first she was running on the spot, not strong enough to move Jasper. She smirked and stopped resisting, letting Freckles drag her forward toward that fabulous plant.

This was the second time today that she let another gem lead her. This time was different though. It was more... it felt more right. She knew exactly what she was being thrown into. There wouldn't be any surprises over there, any unpleasantness or difficult relationship from the past. It would just be her, Freckles and that plant.

It took a while to reach the spot she was talking about. Once there, Jasper immediately saw the plant she had been talking about. It was the first time she was seeing one like this in the wild around Beach city. Once there, the blue gem turned to Jasper and pointed both arms toward it, like you would at an art piece in a museum.

"So, isn't it wonderful? Did you ever see something like that on this planet before?"

Jasper approached the plant and crouched to look more closely. She had seen some of those before near her kindergarten, but Freckles seemed so excited about finding some unknown organic life that she didn't mention it.

"It sure looks tougher than the other wildlife around here."

'Right! And isn't that red flower on top super cute? I really like this one. Wanna dig it out and bring it to professor Peridot?"

"Sure. Let's to that thing where you take it out and put it in that pot."

Jasper took out one of the tools and started working on the dirt around it. Freckles giggled a little.

"It's called transplanting Jasper. Geez, you should really pay more attention. You should follow my example; I am, after all, a star student."

Jasper answered by throwing some of the dirt in her face. She laughed, wiped it away and crouched to help her. Jasper smiled. She liked the sound of her laughter.

After some time, with Freckles doing most of the delicate work, they finally had a potted plant to show to Peridot. Just in time they noticed, as the sky was turning orange from the sunset. They started heading back toward little homeschool. They were silent for the return, content to just walk together that way.

**************

When they got back to the greenhouse, only Peridot was still there, busy watering everything green around her. When she noticed them, she quickened her pace to finish her task and deal with them.

"Finally, there you are, you clods. I assumed that you were lost and had no idea of where you were. I was just about to send someone to find you and bring you back. Alright. Show me what you brought."

Jasper was the one transporting it in her hands. Freckles was jumping with giddiness next to her, immensely proud of her discovery.

"Is that-is that a cactus? How did you find a cactus around beach city?!?"

Jasper frowned and Freckles slowed down, all joy draining from her face.

"Is... is it not good?"

Peridot looked at her and felt bad.

"No, no, it's, sorry, it's fine. I was just surprised, is all. Let me get a closer look to see if you did a good job."

She took the pot and brought it to her table. She looked it around, poked the earth and got some unwanted thorns in her fingers.

"Alright it looks good. it should be able to survive. Although considering it's a cactus, the opposite would have been more surprising."

She took the potted cactus and turned around to two expectant face, one with hope and the other just waiting for a final verdict.

"Good job, you two. You can bring it home . There should be more flowers sprouting eventually. If you take good care of it, I believe they will be quite beautiful."

Freckles let out a squeal and clapped her hands.

"Yes! I knew it! As soon as I saw it I knew it would be great. Jasper, do you mind if I'm the first one to bring it home?"

Before she could even answer, she had already snatched it from Peridot's hands. She started heading outside.

"Aww yeah, I'm gonna take such good care of you. I know exactly where I'll put you. I can't wait to see more of your beautiful flowers!" She turned to the other two gems. "Good night, professor Peridot! Bye, Jasper! See you tomorrow!"

They could still hear her talk to the cactus for a little while, and then silence fell. It was just the two of them. Peridot turned her back and went back to taking care of flowers and plants. Jasper looked at her back and slowly opened her mouth.

"Peri-"

"Don't. Whatever you want to say, don't. I don't want to listen to you, I don't want to hear it and I don't want to engage in any other ways with you. We're done for the day, you can leave so just... Leave."

Jasper sullened. She knew that this was going to be tough. She tried to push forward still.

"I-"

"Listen, Jasper" She turned around and pointed a finger at her, "I don't care. Whatever this is, whatever you're doing, I just don't care. The only reason I'm accepting to let you here is because Steven told me before leaving to be the Steven I want to see in the world. So, I'm trying. I'm trying to be as patient as he is, and as understanding as he is. It's hard, but I like to think that he would be proud of me."

She walked toward Jasper. As towering as she was over her, the look in her face as she got closer made her feel small.

"But what you did to Lapis, that is beyond being patient and understanding. It was the first time, it was the second time and it got worse and worse every time. Do you know how much you've hurt her? How hard it was for her? All those years, she had to work hard to work over all her past traumas, which you were a big part of. When they let you in, I was hesitant but she said it would be fine and so did everyone else. So I, like the others, gave you a chance. And then, you took that chance and you rubbed it all in our faces. I have no idea why Amethyst is still trying with you. But I know that's what Steven would do, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not Steven though, Jasper, and I'm not Amethyst. I'm not your friend, I'm not close to you. I would even rather you be as far away as possible from all of us. So just figure out whatever you need to figure out and then leave us all in peace and go as far as you possibly can!"

Peridot was breathing heavily. Jasper had remained stoic all throughout this.

"Speaking of leaving, I would ask you to do so for the night. I need to lock the place up."

After a heartbeat, Jasper turned around and walked toward the exit. Peridot returned to her work. Before Jasper was through the door, she sent one last jab.

"And try not to hurt this Lapis Lazuli like you did ours."

It stopped her in her tracks. She grip the doorframe. It took all her willpower to not crush it under her hand. She started turning her head, but stopped. She couldn't bear to look at Peridot or to have her see her face right now.

"That's not fair."

Peridot turned to respond but she was already gone, leaving her all alone. She regretted that last part. It left a bitter taste in her mouth. Then again, she thought, everything about Jasper did. She finished what she had to do for the day and then left.

******************

The full moon in the night sky was reflected in the water’s surface as a path of light. The crashing of the wave sounded like a challenge from the ocean herself. Jasper stood on the beach looking at it. This had been even harder than everything she had been imagining the last few days and it had hurt so much. She looked at the sky and smelled the salt in the air. She had survived though. She had survived like she did all the other times; She was strong, and she needed to stop forgetting that.

She turned her head and looked at the sky above the woods and saw a Lapis flying around. She wondered if she was thinking about her as she flew like she was thinking of her right now.

She looked back at the ocean. The thought popped into her mind last week as she was looking at Peridot. She had no idea if this would work, if it was even a good idea. But it was something concrete, something she could physically touch and wrap her head around. She thought about asking Amethyst or Garnet about it, and then decided not to. She wanted this to be all her. She figured they wouldn't understand anyway, like they tended to do so often.

She started walking forward, unperturbed by the cold water splashing, rising higher with every step. This would be long, troublesome and most probably fruitless. She would probably need to come back and try again many nights.

This was going to be such a pain. 

That never stopped her before though; nothing could stop her once she set her mind on something, and she most definitely had her mind set on making things better.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Comments are super appreciated, next time Jasper will have learn how to deal with her issues peacefully. Hopefully.


End file.
